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29 December, 2011

Mount Kill-A-Mets-R.A.

   by Gus Ramsey

   You may have heard, Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey wants to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for charity next week. The Mets sent Dickey's agent a letter to cover themselves legally. Based on no information or actual knowledge, here is a copy of the letter.

    Dear R.A., 
          It has been brought to our attention that you intend to ride Space Mountain at Disney World next week.... Have fun!     climb Mount Killimanjaro!?!? Are you freakin' crazy?! We would like to remind you that you are a member of the New York Mets.  As such, the chances that something disastrous doesn't happen to you are slimmer than the chances you ever see the top of the N.L. East mountain while pitching for us. Kilimanjaro hasn't had a major eruption in 360,000 years. That's even longer than our last offensive eruption.  You go up there and it's gonna be Ka-Blewie! That sucker is gonna blow like K-Rod after you've pitched 8-shutout innings. It's a lock. 
   By the way, it's cold way up on that mountain. Like our-offense-with-the-bases-loaded cold. Like our-team-playing-meaningful-games-in-September cold. Colder than all-those-ice-packs- we-use-to-treat-our-best-players-all-the-time cold. Like 90%-of-the-$6-dollar-french-fries-we-sell cold.  Like Sandy Alderson's-"I should have bought him a box of chocalates"-retort-to-Reyes cold. OK, probably not that cold, but still verrrry chilly! 
With our luck, you'll get frostbite on your index and middle finger on your pitching hand and never be able to throw the knuckleball again. (although you could always cut them off and develop the Really-Split-Finger Fastball.) 
   Look, if this is something you just have to do, then while you are up there, can you look around for some gold or a long lost treasure or something? We'll let you keep most of it, but we could use some of it too. We'd be indebted to you  very grateful.

     The Mets 

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